Monthly Archives: September 2007

 

The river meanders along, following the trail of the red-yellow beams of the sun. It twists and turns, in the bustling metropolis, in the wake of steel and slumber. It flows with the indifference of a snake, with the stoic of a yoked cow in highway. Eyes closed, lips pressed and chin up, it flows. The turbid green colour hardly betrays the dance of its depths, the ferries on the surface hardly touching the electricity within. The mask serves its purpose. It pick up pretty nothings on the way: wrappers, hides,faeces, skeletons, soaps and colours. A mosaic that makes it an relic of the drama that has unfolded on the banks of his own benevolence. The river betrays not even the slightest snicker of an ironic smile.

But with fluorescent shadows of the sunset a new pattern emerges, a pattern that few are privileged to see…

The night envelopes the river like a lover on a sultry afternoon. It soothes, it caresses and it pampers: the river is transformed! The river waltz, it shines with the full moon on its brow. The river seduces the forests to come to her, its animals, the wildness. The beasts feed on the corpses of the metropolis, on the sprites of the day that waters carry. The river smarts with desires, desires that were submerged deep down, desires that could have only unfurled in the felicity of the anonymous night. The river moans, the river cries, the river smirks, the river collapses in the arms of the night!

The river. The same river.

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The horror of not getting your hand out of the earth after frentic hours of clawing through the muddy vestige. The horror of being an oar-less sailor of an endless sea. The horror of decaying in the womb. The horror of being swallowed the smoke rings of your own  fortituos fabrication of fermented sloth.The horror.
The horror of putrid white desire pumping hard against your uncontrolled breach of somnolent sense. The horror of striking shamelessly up a wall of posteriority, and stay hung up there like a intoxicated stoop of destiny. The horror of joy. The horror of unblemished parade of insensate jubilation. The horror.

The horror of company. The horror of being left alone. The horror of of laughter. The horror of tears. The horror of mindless speeches. The horror of silence. The horror of you. The horror of me. The horror of want. The horror of need. The horror of us.

Spare! Spare me!

My room has nondescript walls. They are stark adobe white, blue in patches from the dampness. There isn’t a single poster or painting to hide its ordinariness. A few rusty nails sticking out at uncanny junctures, with crack like raw nerves emanating to far corners. During the day, the wall shines not, and when the lights are out, they don’t close in.

When i read, they dont stoop over my shoulders to see the pictures. When i listen to music, they dont ask why. When i watch movies that i shamelessly flaunt as i never do, they dont laugh at me. When i do push-ups in my bed, they dont grin sarcastically. When i go to bed, they never sing me lullabies. When i am sad, they dont pretend to comfort me. When i am happy, they never jump and sing with me. When i go out, they never stop me. When i stay, they are white!

The walls are not a part of me, i am not a part of them. Those walls, like me.

Every morning schoolbag on his back and water-bottle around his neck, he used to wave at his mom on the window, “Tata, maa!” . On putting his hand in his ‘half-pant’ pocket he used to find that old small piece of blue pebble. He quite gingerly put it down on the black steel cover of the hydrant. And two steps back and one fine shoot.

And so it started, hop, skip, dribble and twist. The pebble danced around the congested streets and he followed. He never bothered about the fat lady on the rickshaw, the shabby cow chewing on putrefied vegetables, the over-crowded office-time buses, the flashy billboards, the yellow umbrellas and rose-tinted glasses. For him, its was just the blue pebble and just it. And the blue pebble sang and smiled and almost pulled him on an invisible leash. And both were happy, they never needed a thing more…

And when he reached the school gates, the pebble kissed him and rolled back into his pocket. And in class when he clasped the pebble tightly in his palms, he knew he had the world at his whims!

And then one morning, the blue pebble was not in his pocket. Only when he did look up in despair, he realised, the blue was still with him.

The serpent coils. And it glows with the embers of  petrified sweat. It spreads its wings in the darkness of infinitude. And it coils in collusion with memories, and desire. It feeds on your fear and grows on your sighs. And it coils.

From deep down your stomach, you smell a tepid claustrophobic noxious odour of  despair. It slimes away, you catch it and then feel it slipping away from your grasp in the next moment. You try once again. But it coils and hisses.

The hisses provoke you, excite you. You derive a masochistic pleasure in being stalked and evaded. And then the pheromones, and the dulcet hisses. The momentary pain soon becomes a forbidden pleasure.

 The serpent also realises that maybe. It coils tighter. And hisses more. And just when you wish it strikes you, you notice the eyes. The cold steely green gaze. No, it wont be over so soon. The eyes wink!